The Reckoning

Who am I

Tue, 30 Aug 2005 14:57:11 GMT

Well I discovered that I am very comfortable with the life of promiscuity practiced safely that is. It really is quite amazing. I went to a club a very nice place a little cheesy but at the same time it appears to be just this kind of place for me I do remember the Goth scene to be a bit more angst ridden but I guess that was a product of the time and the age group I was a part of at the time but now looking at things now I can see that I just have to get straight what it is I want from going out on the town. Meeting new people is always fun but I think that this is just a side bar of what I'm looking for. I may have found the thing that can help M and C out as well it seems almost too simple to imagine but it works if I can convince them to go out on a date with each other it will do wonders for them I think.

Well look who's back

Mon, 29 Aug 2005 13:16:34 GMT

Well I here in Arizona and boy is it fun. I have managed to some make it some three more years in this world and not just fold into my self. It look like it was pretty close for a while there with the life in Indiana and serious committed relationship and all but I'm here. But now I'm here in Phoenix AZ and boy is my soul tired I've gotten back into my insomnia suit and walk around like a xomby* -(that’s a special kind is deading life) I still live and don’t care either way. Its getting dangerous to sleep I wake up depressed that I haven’t found what I'm looking for that dam reason to live the point to it. It has recently gotten to the point that helping others has even become unsatisfying to me. I feel like such an ass-hole other people want to get all they can from life they would do anything just to have there physical health and a little freedom to live the life they have grown to love. And here I am with that exactly and I'm waiting for something any thing to strike me from the face of the earth. But that will happen in time I guess and who knows when it dose I probably fight tooth and nail to stay I'm always up for a good fight. It doesn’t seem fair for some one like me to exist when there are so many others that want this so much more than me. The most interesting thing is that everyone thinks that all I need to do is get laid but that not it at all I'm looking for some one that I can share my darkest side with some one who can take knowing all the secrets I keep and all the quiet things I know; the closest thing that human beings have to measure commitment in relationships it sex and intimacy the sad part is that a relationship like the one I'm looking for sex and physical intimacy is the very first level the most shallow of all. lets face it you can have sex with anyone and get what you want out of it but the act opens the door to more well think about how often you have shared with some one close to you your darkest hatred or the time you saw two people having sex and how you felt. Now imagine someone told you a secret and you held on to it for years and didn’t tell any one you kept the secret and held it in. Well imagine if you knew a secret about every one you ever met not the cheat on you taxes kind of stuff but the real deep dark fucked up shit that has warped someone, and lets just say you know who it has warped to; and you have to watch every day as they continue there path and every time they do something or snap or go off you see the series of clicks that led to it happening. It's like learning that the shoes your wearing are made by 12 years olds working in sweat shops and then meeting the 12 year olds talking to them and seeing the look of despair in there eyes and realizing than because you and others like you bought the shoes there life is the way it is. But the shoes feel really good! All you have to do is forget about the 12 year old. My friends are really good, all I have to do is find a way to forget all of there secrets or find a way to... Its hopeless I guess I just want to curl up and die. Well that’s the wrap up day 12,163 still here still alive.

Another Saturday night...

Sun, 09 Mar 2003 21:39:51 GMT

I know who I am. In the years of my life I have been in fear of not knowing myself and the role I was ment to play. But it is not as far on the horizen as I imagened it to be. It has been as close to me as the window that stood before my entire life; the boundry never accepted, that I always had, but never recognized.
I have looked with eyes that saw so little, but had so much to tell me. My body has been the frame of my experience. The only border that I acccepted, bound by any limit I was aware of. Now all the limits I recognize are far beyond the limitless view of imagination that I needed in order to grow.
I am given a limited amount of time to make an unlimited amount amount of change. The gift of mortal life is making what use I can of so much, in the so very little time I have to do it; a word to a friend or nation, a memory shared or guarded unto death. I am a lord of decision in the courts of chaos, setting desire before order to achive understanding of my own song.